1. EXT.ALYWAY.DAY
John, Vin, Dip and Pit:
Picking pockets (Indevisual)
2. EXT.MIDDLE OF TOWN.SUNSET
All: run in to town
(NEXT DAY)
3. EXT.IN ALLYWAY.DAY
ALL: (BUMP INTO EACH OTHER)
Vin: U all pick pockets
John, Pit, Dip: Yeh
Vin: shall we make a crew. We’ll be we’ll rich, u get me.
J, p, d: Yeh, Yeh , What shall we name our self.
Vin: Picks for pick pockets.
J, P, D: That’s officially done
4. INT.OLD MANSION. NIGHT
John: Oi, listen lets rob this old mans house, he’s got quiet a lot of money. He’s getting his back yard re-built, truck loads of materials, must have lots of money.
5. EXT.OUT SIDE THE OLD MANS HOUSE. SUNSET
Vin, Dip, Pit :( ALL GO OUT SIDE THE OLD MANS HOUSE, DRIVING SLOWLY)
6. EXT.STARTING TO BREAK INTO THE OLD MANS HOUSE.NIGHT
Vin, Dip, Pit : lets go!
(They go when the old mans gone out)
(boom)
7. INT.OLD MANS HOUSE.NIGHT
Vin: let’s go, let’s go hurry, hurry
(Putting expensive stuff into the black bags)
8. INT.JOHN’S HOUSE.NIGHT
JOHN: (phones the police to tall of the robbers)
John: hello, can I have the police.
Police: what seems to be the problem
John: Ok, I’ve seen a group of people robbing a house there in the middle of loting.
Police: Ok were on our way
9.EXT.OUT SIDE THE OLD MANS HOUSE. NIGHT
Police: So we go from the back and frount forcing them to retrive. Ok has every one got there riot gear on
All: Yes
10.EXT. SNEAK THROUGH THE WINDOWS. MIDDLE OF NIGHT
Police: (sneak through the window)
11.INT. THE OLD MANS HOUSE. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Police: Get down!, Get down!
Vin: What the F**K is going on hear.
Police:
(grab vin, dip, pit)
Your coming with us, where you belong
9.EXT.OUT SIDE THE OLD MANS HOUSE. NIGHT
Police: So we go from the back and frount forcing them to retrive. Ok has every one got there riot gear on
All: Yes
10.EXT. SNEAK THROUGH THE WINDOWS. MIDDLE OF NIGHT
Police: (sneak through the window)
11.INT. THE OLD MANS HOUSE. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Police: Get down!, Get down!
Vin: What the F**K is going on hear.
Police:
(grab vin, dip, pit)
Your coming with us, where you belong
Zahaib, this is a good start but you need to increase the amount of detail you have and make your work clearer. You do not have a lot of stage directions and you need to describe what each scene looks like at the start. I have written you some scene by scene notes.
ReplyDelete1. EXT.ALYWAY.DAY
INDIVIDUAL. THIS IS NOT IN ENOUGH DETAIL ZAHAIB, WE DISCUSSED THIS. YOU NEED TO WRITE HOW EACH OF THE CHARACTERS IS PICKING THE POCKET. YOU ALSO NEED TO DESCRIBE EACH CHARACTER'S APPEARANCE AS YOU FIRST SEE THEM.
2. EXT.MIDDLE OF TOWN.SUNSET
All: run in to town
(NEXT DAY)
3. EXT.IN ALLYWAY.DAY
REMEMBER YOUR PUNCTUATION. YOU HAVE LEFT OUT FULL STOPS. YOU ALSO NEED TO DESCRIBE WHAT YOUR CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE (IF YOU DID NOT DO THIS IN THE LAST SCENE) AND ARE WEARING. MORE THOUGHT NEEDS TO GO INTO YOUR DESCRIPTION OF HOW THEY BUMP INTO EACH OTHER.
4. INT.OLD MANSION. NIGHT
I'M NOT SURE YOU HAVE THE LOCATION RIGHT FOR THIS SCENE. WOULD THE CHARACTERS SAY “LET'S ROB THIS OLD MAN'S HOUSE” WHEN THEY ARE ALREADY INSIDE? PERHAPS THEY SHOULD BE OUTSIDE THE BUILDING WHEN THEY MAKE THIS DECISION.
5. EXT.OUT SIDE THE OLD MANS HOUSE. SUNSET
Vin, Dip, Pit :( ALL GO OUT SIDE THE OLD MANS HOUSE, DRIVING SLOWLY)
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH DETAIL HERE. WHO IS DRIVING? ARE THEY IN FOUR SEPARATE CARS OR ONE? OR WOULD IT MAKE MORE SENSE IF THEY APPROACHED ON FOOT?
6. EXT.STARTING TO BREAK INTO THE OLD MANS HOUSE.NIGHT
STARTING TO BREAK INTO THE OLD MAN'S HOUSE IS NOT A LOCATION, IT IS WHAT THEY ARE DOING.IF THEY GO WHEN THE OLD MAN IS OUT, YOU NEED TO WRITE IN A STAGE DIRECTION FOR THE OLD MAN LEAVING HIS HOUSE, OR ADD A LINE WHERE ONE OF THE CHARACTERS SAYS HE HAS JUST SEEN THE OLD MAN GO OUT. YOU EITHER HAVE TO DESCRIBE WHAT YOU MEAN BY BOOM OR TAKE IT OUT.
7. INT.OLD MANS HOUSE.NIGHT
YOU HAVE TO DESCRIBE THE LOCATION HERE AND GO INTO MORE DETAIL, BOTH ON WHO IS PUTTING EXPENSIVE STUFF INTO THE BLACK BAGS AND WHAT THE EXPENSIVE STUFF IS. JEWELLERY? ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT?
8. INT.JOHN’S HOUSE.NIGHT
THIS IS THE START OF A DECENT SCENE BUT IT NEEDS MORE WORK. YOU NEED TO GIVE A DESCRIPTION OF JOHN AND ALSO OF THE LOCATION. YOU NEED TO ADD (O/S) TO THE POLICEMAN'S LINES TO SHOW HE IS OFFSCREEN WHILE JOHN IS TALKING TO HIM. ALSO, JOHN NEEDS TO GIVE THE POLICEMAN THE ADDRESS, OR THEY WOULD NOT KNOW WHERE TO GO.
9.EXT.OUT SIDE THE OLD MANS HOUSE. NIGHT
YOU NEED TO CHANGE RETRIVE TO RETREAT. YOU NEED TO DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN SEE AT THE START OF THE SCENE. WHERE ARE THE POLICEMEN STANDING? HOW ARE THEY DRESSED? HOW MANY ARE THERE? ALSO, IF YOU HAVE USED EXT. AT THE START OF YOUR SCENE HEADING, YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE OUTSIDE FOR YOUR LOCATION.
10.EXT. SNEAK THROUGH THE WINDOWS. MIDDLE OF NIGHT
THIS IS NOT A SCENE HEADING, IT IS A DESCRIPTION OF WHAT HAPPENS. THE SCENE HEADING HAS TO BE INT. OR EXT. FOLLOWED BY THE LOCATION, FOLLOWED BY DAY OR NIGHT. THE LOCATION EITHER NEEDS TO BE INT. OR EXT. OLD MAN'S HOUSE. NIGHT, DEPENDING ON WHETHER YOU FILM THEM SNEAKING IN FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE.
11.INT. THE OLD MANS HOUSE. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
THIS SCENE IS MISSING STAGE DIRECTIONS. YOU NEED TO WRITE WHAT PHYSICALLY HAPPENS IN THIS SCENE TO GO WITH THE DIALOGUE. KEEP YOUR STAGE DIRECTIONS AND DIALOGUE SEPARATE, AND MAKE SURE YOUR STAGE DIRECTIONS ARE IN PROPER SENTENCES, NOT IN NOTE FORM THEY NEED TO BE CLEAR SO THE DIRECTOR AND ACTORS CAN FOLLOW THEM.